Wise Words | Lean Back

“Loving myself is giving myself the permission to wade through my own feelings about myself and end up in a place of forgiveness and self-advocating.”

First of all, as of today, I am 26 weeks pregnant. Where in the HECK did the time go? People tell you all the time that your child will grow up before your eyes, but I’m certain I’ve never been told how fast pregnancy flies by. Now, I can imagine if you’re throwing up most of your first trimester and dealing with the onslaught of unexpected pregnancy side effects, i.e. gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, relentless swelling of the legs, hands, and feet, then you’re probably sticking needles in your “SkinOwl” voodoo doll at the moment. It probably feels like an eternity. I can’t argue with that. But for the sake of my experience, I have to say this shit is flying. My third trimester begins in two weeks and I can’t believe I will have a child in my arms in less than 3 and a half months. W. T. F.

Now, with limited ‘Annie’ time ahead of me (especially for the next six months), I can say I am trying my best to delegate and front load as much as possible so that the first few months of motherhood are slower than life’s usual pace. And it just so happens that this, in itself, is incredibly difficult for me. The closer I get to motherhood, the more I realize how unprepared I am, not for motherhood, but for Annie-hood. It’s been 6 years since I’ve lived the majority of my life for me, not my business. And now that I will become a mother and inherit a real family come September, I wonder how I will feel about everything I’ve worked so hard to build.  Often, I am plagued with the following internal dialogue: What will happen if SkinOwl slows down? Will people remember SkinOwl? Will I be able to keep up? In a nutshell, it all comes down to the BIGGEST question of all: Will I let people down if I am not the same person I’ve always been?

If I’m honest, I’d say this has always been something I’ve struggled with, as my default was always to stay small and grow everyone else. If I change, it’ll force me to consider if everyone wanted ME to succeed. For example, in the first few years of growing SkinOwl, I encountered a few ‘friends’ who weren’t super supportive and excited for my new career. Additionally, when I became pregnant, one friend dropped off the face of the Earth. As a result of these experiences, my reality is that not everyone is on board for the changes you go through. Many people want you to stay the same – in whatever safe box THEY put you in. And for many years, I allowed that to be my narrative. ‘Don’t change. It will push people away.’ This never allowed me to consider who I could without the people that kept me small.

From where I sit today, while I haven’t fully mastered the art of not thinking the worst, but I can say I am not ‘engaging’ with the worst. For example, I still wonder if people will be open to me changing, but it doesn’t prevent or halt the change from happening. While I fear the unknown at times and who I will become if I am NOT the person I am today, I will not allow that to stunt my growth or take me away from scenarios that I know will change my life. In retrospect, any scenario that was scary for me was probably scary for others. But in the end, you have to believe in yourself and expect that from your inner circle as well.

So, in a nutshell, I’m scared. I have my anxieties. I am approaching the unknown. But I also know, much like the start of SkinOwl, this new ‘mama bird’ chapter will gift me the freedom, self-love, and well-needed ‘me-time’ I have been after for quite some time. I know who SkinOwl is. NOW, it’s time to re-learn who Annie is and give all of that knowledge to every other facet of my life.

With all of my love,

Annie