Lately, I have found myself thinking about all of the many love stories that got me to where I am today, i.e. on my second marriage and more fulfilled and seen than I’ve ever been. If someone would have told me that at 38, I would be on my second marriage, with an 11 week child, and grateful for the plot twists that got me here, I would have laughed in their face. I always assumed I’d be married at 28, with two children by now. Why? I have no idea. But I thought that. But as I sit here, thinking about all of the relationships that led to my current marriage, I think it’s important to review how far I’ve come in terms of focusing on what ‘matters.’ Because in full transparency, what REALLY spawned this blog post was a piece of paper I found last night listing the “TRAITS” I wanted in husband. I was a senior in college and on a mission to find love.
Real talk: I remember the moment a close friend of mine asked me to write this list. I was sitting in a campus cafe near my house, studying (hardly, apparently). I was allowed to put down ten qualities on the piece of paper she handed me. The list went a little something like this (actually, it went exactly like this, CRINGE):
1) Hot
2) Funny
3) Smart
4) Taller Than Me
5) Dark Hair
6) Blue Eyes
7) Loves London
8) Plays Guitar
9) Likes the Same Music as Me
10) Loves Dogs
Again, allow me to cringe.
Now, while a lot of these ‘traits’ are lovely, I failed to understand the love and care I would desire later in life, when I was truly ready for a husband. Because from my vantage point, there is some truth to the idea that one should be READY to love someone in the way they are wanting to be loved. Because, amidst the blue eyes and dog-loving, the kind of love I was looking for would require vulnerability, compromise (I like that better than ‘sacrifice’) and intimacy, three things I hadn’t yet figured out. These qualities came with time. It came from one marriage ending. It came from therapy. It came from looking at things as they were, not as I wished them to be. In order to find love, I would have to give love, in the most pure, fair, unadulterated way. And again, that took this girl TIME.
Needless to say, as I’ve gotten older, “the list” has changed quite a bit. As much as a tall, dark haired, guitar playing, dog loving, smart, funny, London-loving bloke sounds like the perfect man for me, I’ve learned “the great ones” come when you least expect it. While we are looking for Mr. Right, we tend to forget that they might be looking for us too. For all you know, they might have their eye on you right now, taking notes on the qualities we forgot to list, the qualities we TRULY need, and most of all, the qualities that will last a lifetime. If I were to write my “list” today, here are some of the qualities I would include:
1) Integrity
2) Makes Me Laugh
3) Kind
4) Devoted
5) Fights Fair
6) Brings Out the Best in Me
7) Loves Their Family
8) Open Minded
9) Resilient
10) Loves Dogs :)
Now, in 2019, these are the things that matter most. To me. What’s on your list? What once was? We don’t always know what is best for us, so I can only assume we don’t always know WHO is best for us. In the end, we WILL know when enough is enough. When it’s time to cash in our chips. When we have struck the jackpot in more ways than one. When we have found our person.
I remember telling my therapist, “But the guy I’m dating hasn’t traveled. He didn’t finish college. He … He… He….” Her response: “Annie, those are not the things that matter most. You will travel together. He can take night classes if he so chooses. You will grow together and your list won’t matter as much once you live a life that is shared. What matters most is the kind of man you’re looking for. His integrity. His devotion. His ability to fight fair and want to be good, not always right.” Just that changed my life. So to paraphrase, if you’re tired of looking, perhaps give yourself a rest. Give yourself time to really qualify what you need. What type of care is needed. In the end, what will surface is a person who loves you for you and who you love for everything they are. And they will be your person because they know how to care for you. Specifically you. And if you’re lucky, he just might love dogs too. :)
With love for true love,
Annie
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