Here we go! It gives me the greatest pleasure to announce that Micah and I are officially having our first child, a sweet little baby boy, this September! Our perhaps August if he grows to the birth weight I was, my brother was, and Micah was thirty some years ago. Bowling ball anyone?
Due to the fact that at 38 years young, I am considered a ‘geriatric’ pregnancy (is society ready to change that to something with a little less doom attached to it? I nominate ‘senior’ or ‘retired’ pregnancy?) At least with a ‘retired’ pregnancy, I’d get to see movies for $9.00. But I digress…
I’ve come to realize how lucky I am to be pregnant at this stage in my life. For the record, I spent my entire twenties trying NOT to get pregnant. There weren’t any suitors I was thinking of marrying and having a baby seemed like something ‘adults’ did, wherein I still very much like a child. Skip to 35 years old, I’m married to my first husband, but even then, having children wasn’t a priority. He was four years younger and I was focused on growing a skincare brand. Then came the divorce and well, there’s definitely no point in having a baby then. At this point in my life, I had come to the very real truth that perhaps having a baby (and marriage) just wasn’t in the cards for me. I didn’t know how to date in the ‘information age.’ I was a ‘let’s get to talking’ kinda girl and in the years since I was single, people didn’t seem to do that much. If everyone was ‘swiping,’ I was ‘Skyping.’ If asked to serial date, I was ready to hyperventilate. I didn’t know how I was going to find connection again at my age. Everyone was taken, or so it seemed.
But then, on Tax Day (just like I hoped it would happen), I met Micah, who turned my entire life upside down. A fellow divorcée, Micah was not the type of person I normally dated. He was quiet, almost shy, but communicative and confident. He was a mix of California cool and Southern charm. He was a gentlemen and tread lightly. I wasn’t in a place to open myself up to love again, but deep down I was desperately seeking closeness and *real* connection. He wanted the same things too and I owe that all to timing. Our lives, our loss, our lessons had brought us to a place of wanting the real deal and nothing less.’ So off we went, into a courtship that eventually became a marriage (this past August) and now our partnership has made us parents-to be.
Now, let me go back to a previous sentiment from two paragraphs ago: “I’ve come to realize how lucky I am to be pregnant at this stage in my life.” I say this for every reason one can say this. For one, I’m 38 and as much as I don’t want to believe my ‘geriatric’ state, it is true that my fertility rate is dropping and not changing it’s trajectory anytime soon. Second, Micah and I experienced a miscarriage last year, which made the beginning of this pregnancy a bit more fearful. To be fully transparent, every day we ‘celebrated our pregnancy’ was coupled with our fear of ‘not being pregnant’ the next day. And deep down, at 18 weeks, I’d be lying if I said that fear had completely left my mind and body. Living through loss makes the mindset of loss possible. I take down these thoughts with positive ones, but they do live, and that’s something I’ve embraced and learned to accept as part of the experience. It has made having a baby all the more miraculous and special. Lastly, I feel WAY more emotionally equipped to have a baby at 38 than any age prior to this. I know it’s easy to say, “Oh, thank goodness we didn’t move houses this year, look at everything that happened this last year.” Or in my case, ‘How would we have had a baby alongside launching a podcast and dinner collective year??” But the reality is, I wouldn’t have. I would have had a baby and done everything in my power to nurture that life FIRST and FOREMOST. Which brings me to today.
I can’t believe in 6 months I will be a mother and Micah will be a father to what’s growing inside of me. Now that I’m in the second trimester, there are some days wherein I don’t ‘feel’ pregnant. But in the moments that I can’t sleep comfortably, or I pull my hip flexor due to the relaxin pumping through my body, or most notably, when I am staring at the screen of an ultrasound, I am quickly brought back down to the reality that is we are having this baby. In six months, our entire lives will change. In the best way possible. Our lives won’t just be about US. What a relief! We get to ‘lead by example’ (especially after Episode 5 + 17 of the podcast), and disconnect so that we can spend *time* with our child, making sure that they have all the time they need to BE a child. We get to love and hold and kiss and hug our child just because it’s a Monday. And we get to open ourselves to another one of life’s greatest adventures. I feel strong. I feel ready. I feel prepared and unprepared. And at the end of the day, it’s not about being ‘perfect,’ it’s about loving your child unconditionally and giving them the tools to sit at the table of life’s greatest wins and tragic losses. I cannot wait to go on this journey with all of you. Thank you for being a light in my life and a huge system of support for these last few years. It had not gone unnoticed.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make myself a pickle, egg, and strawberry sandwich.
All of my love,